Jump to content

Sometimes worthless email forwards are pretty funny...


Recommended Posts

The formatting is a little off. I cut and pasted straight from gmail.




Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a

great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a

pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend

I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my

interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking

for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across

was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the

tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse

affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to


WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device

and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing

and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned,

however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal

surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity

darting back and forth between the prongs.



Unfortunately, I

have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,

thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two

triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie

looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the

directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out

on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about

zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of

it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing

to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some

assurance that it would work as advertised.. Am I wrong?


there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading

glasses perched delicately y on the bridge of my nose, directions in

one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a

one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a

two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major

loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make

your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any

burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about

5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and

(loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself,

'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking

on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it

dipcrap,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little

ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one

second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked

thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS

OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!! I'm pretty sure

Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the

recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and

over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal

position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on

fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under

my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was

making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a

picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt

to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living


Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a

tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second

burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until

it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the

floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?



A minute or so later (I can't be sure,

as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits

(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent

reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner

was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally

was.. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom

lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling.


Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure

and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my

head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my

nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe








My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift,

and now regularly threatens me with it!








you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Create New...

Important Information

Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Guidelines
We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue.