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Thread of Funny Jokes


SpeedDemon

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ok guys this thread is for funny jokes. lets hear what u got, and please quote the joke if it was from someone else

 

ill start

 

larry the cable guy

 

"i picked up a midget prostitute last night. i paid her $8 to go up on me"

 

"i dont care what my neighbors say. those puppies dont look nuthin like me"

 

ill come up with more later

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what do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

a quarter pounder with cheeeeeeeeeese

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that was sick and hilarious at the same time^^

 

thats what she said when she saw your package.

 

 

lol just jokes nothing personal

 

 

so hooters has a new airline, coolest thing ever. ive got 8000 frequent boner miles -LarryCableGuy

 

so i was on the hooters airline and i asked a waitress if i could see the cockpit, so she pulled down her under shorts-LCG

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A guy walks into a tavern to get something to eat. The first thing he sees is a customer sitting at a table staring sadly into a bowl of chili.

 

The man walks up and asks the customer if he is going to finish the chili. The customer says no and slides the bowl across the table.

 

Unable to pass up a free meal, the man sits down and starts hungrily scooping chili into his mouth.

 

He suddenly comes to a dead rat lying in the middle of the bowl. He immediately pukes the chili back up into the bowl.

 

The customer then says "Yeah, that's where I stopped too".

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hahaha

 

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

 

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

 

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

 

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

 

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

 

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

 

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

 

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

 

9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to

describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning bloodsucking creatures'.

 

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

 

11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.

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  • 2 weeks later...

"3 tomatoes are walking together. Dad tomato, mom tomato and baby tomato. The baby tomato falls behind. The dad tomato gets mad and goes to the baby tomato and squishes it and says "ketch up!!" -Pulp Fiction (was watching it last night with friends on a screen with a projector...in the backyard. Fun!)

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One of my personal favorites:

 

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said “Stop! don”t do it!” “Why shouldn't I?” he said.

I said, “Well, there’’s so much to live for!” He said, “Like what?”

I said, “Well…are you religious or atheist?” He said, “Religious.”

 

I said, “Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?” He said, “Christian.”

I said, “Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?” He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?”

He said, “Baptist!” I said,”Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?” He said, “Baptist church of god!”

I said, “Me too! Are you original baptist church of god, or are you reformed baptist church of god?” He said,”Reformed Baptist church of god!”

I said, “Me too! Are you reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?” He said, “Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!”

I said, “Die, heretic scum”, and pushed him off.

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im gonna post this because an asian guy told me this today while i was a lunch.

 

 

what do you call an asain guy walking a dog?

 

 

a vegetarian... lol

 

 

i thought that was great considering i have to put up with asian d*ckheads at work all day.

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  • 2 weeks later...

a girl wants to walk to family dog and asks her mom if she can take her for a couple trips around the block. her mom says that since the dog is in heat she needs to ask her dad. she has no idea what that means but she asks her dad anyways. she asks her dad and he says sure just let me take care of something real quick. he takes a rag soaked in gasoline and wipes the dogs bottom with it and says that she's good to go but only for one trip around the block otherwise other dogs will bother her. later she comes back to the house without the dog. the father notices this and asks where the dog went. the daughter replies, "she ran out of gas half way around and another dog is pushing her home."

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there is this 16 year old couple and theyre thinking about having sex for the first time with eachother. the boy is supposed to go to dinner at his girlfriends with her family before they have sex, well after school the boy goes to the pharmacy and is talking to the pharmacist about condoms, sex, and all the risks and things that could happen. he explains to the pharmacist how he and his girlfriend are going to have sex tonight after he meets the girls parents over dinner. well later on that night he goes to his girlfriends house and they sit down for dinner and begin to pray. they pray for about 2 minutes but the boy is still praying.. he's praying for 5 minutes.. he's praying for 10 minutes... he's praying for 20 minuntes... finally the girl leans over and says "i didnt know you were so religious" and the boy leans back over and says "i didnt know your dad was a pharmacist"

 

 

OOOOOOH SH!T SONN!!! lol

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Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

 

The one who can carry 2 cups of coffee and a dozen donuts

 

 

Who is the most popular girl?

 

The one that can eat the last donut.

 

 

 

 

 

 

What is the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

 

You can roast beef but you can't pee soup.

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Q:So why does the world spin?

A:Because Chuck Norris got tired it sitting still so he gave it a roundhouse kick

 

Q:How do you know Chuck Norris has been to Mars?

A: Because there are no signs of life there.

 

Chuck Norris doesnt wear a condom, because there is no such thing as protection from chuck norris ..........lol

Edited by SIR_VTEC
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turcfDlIupn0sxhtSUyRlTLao1_500.jpg

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

One day after filiming a show, oprahs manager walks up to her and says,

Oprah listen we need to talk, you have been really letting yourself go lately and u have goten fat in the past couple of months and its hurting the ratings."

 

So oprah looks at him and says ya know your right i havent been taking care of myself and its making me look bad infront of my audience"

 

So the next day oprah goes to a doctor to see what she can do to lose the weight fast, She's sitting in the office when the doctor walks in and asks her what she is here for.

 

Oprah tells him about wanting to lose weight fast, and she needs some help.

 

The doctor tells her to strip completely naked and get down on her hands and knees,

 

oprah looking for any help complies and gets undressed and then gets down on the floor.

 

Then the docotor tells her to crawl on all fours over to the coffee table... oprah looks at him a little confused but she does it, the docotor looks at her for a minute examining her at every angle.

 

then the doctor tells her to crawl over to the lamp in the corner, still confused she does it anyway, the doctor again starts examining her rom every angle

 

then the doctor tells her to stand up and put her clothes on.

While she is getting dressed she cant help but ask the doctor how that was going to help her lose weight fast?

 

The doctor says "oh it doesnt! I was thinking about buying a black leather couch for the office and wanted to see what it would look like before i did"!!!

 

-----------------------------------------------

 

A cute young girl walks into a church.

 

"Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I called my dad a son of a b*tch," she says.

 

"Why?" the priest asked.

 

"Because he touched my breast."

 

The priest reaches over and grabs her breast and says, "Like this?"

 

"Yes, like that."

 

"But that is no reason to call your father a son-of-a-b*tch."

 

"Yeah, but then he took his pants off and forced me to jerk him off!"

 

The priest unzipped his pants, took her hand and guided it down there. "Like this?"

 

"Yes, like that."

 

"But that is no reason to call your father a son-of-a-b*tch."

 

"Yeah, but then he bent me over and had sex with me!"

 

The priest bends her over and starts thrusting furiously. "Like this?"

 

"yessss...liiike....that....."

 

"But that is no reason to call your father a son-of-a-b*tch."

 

"Yeah, but my dad has AIDS."

 

"THAT SON-OF-A-B*TCH!!!"

 

 

-----------------------------------------

 

LITTLE BILLY ON GETTING OLDER

 

Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on

one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him

said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for

you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

"Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a

time?"

"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own ****ing business!!"

 

LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY

 

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and

you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little BILLY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your

thinking."

Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is

delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of

ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The

third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one

that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is

'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."

 

LITTLE BILLY ON... MATH

 

Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got

an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father."

"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied BILLY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the ****ing difference?" asks the father?

"That's what I said!"

 

LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH

 

Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says,

"Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class.

Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful."

Little BILLY says,"No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

 

LITTLE BILLY ON...GRAMMAR

 

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a

show hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same

sentence twice.

First she called on little Suzie, who responded with,

"My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful

in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little

Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she reluctantly

called on little BILLY.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she

was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just ****ing beautiful."

Edited by Rick B.
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