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New and Improved Man Laws


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Bunch of guys came up with this on another forum I'm on

 

 

Man Laws

 

 

Pertaining to Chicks:

 

1)If a woman is present (whether significant other, family, or friend), no man, under any circumstances, shall make their own food or pour their own drinks, unless it is a special holiday such as: Mother's day, her birthday, or St. Patrick's day, or if the woman cannot keep up with the pace you want your drink poured. Law is void if significant grilling is involved.

 

2)Women can't drive. It is your responsibility to drive. Always.

 

3)All men have the right to remain silent when asked by a woman "Do you I look good in this?"

 

4)Sex is more important than talking. Always. However, talking is sometimes required to have sex.

 

5)The morning after you and a super-hot chick, who was formerly "just a friend", knock boots, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to jump on her again before there is a discussion about what a big mistake it was.

 

6)Under no circumstances shall a man ever defer control of the television remote to a female.

 

7)Sandwiches, they are your God-given right.

 

8)No man should talk on a telephone to a girl longer than he is able to have sex with her.

 

9)If you hug a girl that is hot, you must hug her close enough so she can feel your junk. Otherwise, no hugging of hot chicks is allowed. Besides, why would you want to hug anyways, except for her to feel your junk.

 

 

 

Style:

 

1)Fanny packs: There is no excuse for wearing one. Ever.

 

2)Short shorts are forbidden, unless participating in a sporting event that demands shorter shorts.

 

3)A man shall never wear any article of women's clothing, unless they are the loser of a bet.

 

4)No man shall every use a rolling backpack. If you can't carry the bag, you’re not a man.

 

5)No man, under any circumstance (unless mocking a violator of this law), should pop his collar.

 

6)No man, under any circumstance, shall use lip balm.

 

7)Body paint and/or make-up is only acceptable on a man if it’s on game day and to support his team.

 

 

 

 

Pertaining to Buddies/Other Men:

 

1)The Bro Hug: Two men hugging is only acceptable if there is no direct eye contact, only the shoulders touch, and the hug is accompanied by a single pat on the back. Lingering in an awkward embrace is absolutely forbidden.

 

2)No friend cock blocking. If it’s not your friend, she’s game. Any cock block of a friend results in IMMEDIATE suspension of Man Card privileges, and may result in permanent revocation.

 

3)No man shall ever, under any circumstance, share an umbrella with another man.

 

4)No two men are allowed to enter a revolving door together, unless it involves a race were the winner receives a combination of the following: beer, food, sex.

 

5)No heavy fornication in a friend's bed. If heavy fornication does occur, spray cologne to mask the smell.

 

6)A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "One time, down in Tijuana", "One time when we were all crapfaced", or "This girl could suck the white out of rice ".

 

7)When your friend picks up a hot girl, and the hot girl has an ugly friend, it is only right that you operate as a wing man doing whatever is necessary to help your buddy close the deal. As men, we are obligated to sacrifice for each other knowing that the favor will one day be returned.

 

8)Ditching friends for a woman: Again, this is only acceptable if the woman is super-hot.

 

9)Length of time after friend breaks up with girl to begin dating: Usually, this is unacceptable if she breaks up with him. If she is super-hot, there must be at least a 6 week moratorium. If he breaks up with her, there is no waiting period.

 

10)No man should ever hook up with his best friend's girl, no matter how hot she is. This is in effect while they are dating or "together." If they are separated, refer to Law 9 for the proper way to handle the situation. (Side Note: Less guilt is involved if she comes on to you.)

 

11)If you pass out drunk and wake up to your face and body covered in marker, find a cooking utensil in your ass, and a video of the event surfaces on the internet, it is wholly and completely your fault. Men are expected to do such things to other passed out men.

 

 

 

General Life Situations:

 

1)No man shall dance for fun. Dancing is allowed only if it’s to increase his chances with a member of the opposite sex.

 

2)Under no circumstances shall any man drink a wine cooler. Ever.

 

3)When urinating in public restrooms, stare directly ahead and say nothing. There is no reason to discuss anything at all with another man while holding your Johnson.

 

4)The head nod is an acceptable way to greet another man when simply walking past. No words are needed. An upward nod is for friends, a downward nod is for fellow men.

 

5)If a large spider catches a man off guard, said man is allowed to scream once.

 

6)It should be understood that while, yes, cheerleading is not a sport, it is perfectly acceptable to watch.

 

7)When in a public shower, no man will look below the shoulders. Also, no eye-to-eye contact for more than one second is allowed. If eye contact occurs, nod upwards and look away.

 

8)If a man ever does something wrong, a simple "Ooops", "My Bad", or any combination of four letter words that get the point across will suffice, there is absolutely no need to say "I'm Sorry".

 

9)Never quote John Mayer. Ever.

 

10)When passing another man in a tight area where contact is possible, hole to hole or pole to pole is the only acceptable means. If it is pole to pole, no eye contact should be made. If any deviation from this policy is spotted by onlooking men, possible labels such as "f*g" may be deemed necessary. Deviation will also result in immediate suspension of Man Card.

 

11)No man may ever sell a beer to a friend. It’s understood that said friend will repay beer with beer later. Under no circumstance may the replacement beer be of a lesser quality.

 

12)In the court of Man Law, the statement "I was Drunk" will have the same effect as an insanity plea (reduced punishment) in a standard court of law, provided the defendant's blood alcohol level exceeds .10.

 

13)Grilling regardless of weather is always the first choice for cooking.

 

14)If two or more males arrive at a party in a single car, and the driving male is hooking up with a girl, it is the responsibility of the other males to find other ways home.

 

15)Washing hair in the sink: This is unacceptable under any circumstance.

 

16)There is nothing worth watching on the Lifetime network.

 

17)A Mazda Miata is never an acceptable choice for male transportation.

 

 

 

Animals:

 

1)Poodles. Never

 

2)You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriend’s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan/out the window/under a car.

 

3)Helping a woman to name a cat is expressly forbidden, unless the name pertains to Chinese food or the female anatomy.

 

4)Dressing animals in cute sweaters and hats is forbidden.

 

 

 

 

If any male is caught violating a Man Law in serious context, demerit, suspension, or revocation of Man Card may be required. Forgiveness is pending the severity of the broken law. Forgetting…that will never happen.

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