letter to a friend

[EH6TunerDaniel]

read this somewhere and thought it was funny, thought i would share it with you

 

 

Dear Alcohol,

 

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my

friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work

cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden

inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless

family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your

intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at

heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

 

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I

question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity

takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-girlfriends when

I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone

all hours of the night?

 

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I

eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some

stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few

cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you

went too far this time.

 

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more

yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by

causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue

marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.

Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front

door key into the lock.

 

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous.

I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in

order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire

day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin

B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on

the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in

no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to

ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great

stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I

just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to

continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances

above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than

Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can

continue this fruitful partnership.

 

Thank you,

Your biggest fan

 

P.S.

 

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon

 

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. British Constitution

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

 

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2. Nope, no more beer for me.

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

[babykansas04]

^^^^ is great!!!!!! i love it........its so true ;)

[90IntegraC1]

I don't have the concentration nor time to read that text in its entirety, but I imagine I can relate to it.

[blackdelsol]

I skimmed it. its kinda funny

[Humphries]

make it less long and i might think about reading it

[SexyH22]

lol, i was just reading other responses to see if it was worth thetime. but i dont wanna read it first....